“The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.” General Norman Schwarzkopf.
From 25 to 30 years of age I was pretty much lost in self and a haze of intoxication. By 25 I had had a good job, owned a home, drove a nice car, was married and a father. Though my daughter was stuck with me, the rest was gone or going. Now, I am supposedly a pretty smart fellow, if you believe IQ tests, (today I suspect scoring well on an IQ test merely demonstrates an ability to take IQ tests well) but looking at my life, I sure wasn’t acting like a “genius.” There were uncounted times when I knew what I was doing or about to do was a bad idea, but that didn’t stop me. Oh, and I was a time traveler when under the influence. I would start out in one place,blackout and then come too, sometimes the next day, in a different place,sometimes wearing different clothes, invariably broke, often in the company of new “best friends” whom I didn’t recognize. A few times this happened while driving, a truly disconcerting experience.
These time traveling episodes terrified me. I was certain I was going to wake up in jail cell somewhere with no recollection of how I got there or what I had done, or cuffed to a hospital bed, or just dead. But as much as I hated these episodes, I did it regularly. A smart man remarked years ago this type of behavior demonstrates a base form of insanity,and it sure felt like it.
I haven’t lived like that for a very long time. Curiously, to this day, that self-destructive voice that drove me all those years ago, cloaked in all manner of guises (fear), still whispers in my mind’s eye in an attempt to drag me back into that old life and ways of thinking. Such is the profound and deep-rooted nature of addiction thinking. The good news is today I have a Recovery tool kit to rely on so when it starts in,I stop and employ the tools that experience, both mine and others, have shown to be effective, a day at a time.
© Vincent Lee Jones Living In Spirit All Rights Reserved
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