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Mindful Diligence

Living on the Spiritual Basis requires diligence, mindful of what are we planting (or allowing to remain) in our spiritual garden (consciousness). To be free of the fear driven life we need to ask ourselves regularly: Am I trying to impress others, curry favor, perhaps falsely believing, hoping, if they think I am okay, I am? That true happiness lies in the approval of others? Have we surrounded ourselves with people quick to co-sign whatever we are selling, while avoiding those who may ask uncomfortable (honest) questions or point out obvious truths we may not want to hear? Perhaps even employing a little “guilty with an explanation” reasoning when attempting to justify a bad decision or some selfish behavior?

Living on the Spiritual Basis teaches us that the unexamined life leads only to futility and frustration, a life filled with fear-based thinking and action, burying us in the bondage of self. So our path is simple, if not easy: we must perform a daily inventory of our spiritual garden and when we discover a “weed,” and we will from time to time, we honestly address it through prayer, asking to be shown the truth and what corrective action is required. If it is a troublesome pest, one that seems to keep sprouting up, we discuss it with a trusted spiritual advisor or friend, someone who will tell us the truth, even at the risk of the relationship, for the truth will set us free. Gratitude is an action, and grateful people are happy people, so always thank the Miraculous for this marvelous new ability to see mistakes and character flaws and the continuing willingness to be free of them, a day at a time.

https://miraclesofrecovery.com/

https://livinginspirit.blogspot.com/2025/05/

© Vincent Lee Jones All Rights Reserved

Miracles Of Recovery, Overdose Death, Alcoholism, Wayne Dyer, Drug Addiction, Zen, Emmet Fox, Opioids, Heroin, Einstein, AA,  Drug Rehab, #Drug Addiction, #Drug Rehab,  #Heroin, #Opioids

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4th Step inventory using The 4 Absolutes (Honesty, Unselfishness, Purity, and Love)

Based on a Simple (but not easy) step 4 guide by Father Bill W. (Recognized A.A./Oxford Group Historian sober since 1972)

The 4th Step is not meant to be an in-depth psychoanalysis of ourselves; rather it is asking God to awaken us to seeing where our lives have been out of alignment with His will for us.

Fourth Step Reminder: You are no longer trying to work these steps on your own! Write a prayer like this at the top of every page of your inventory.

“God, please help me to be honest, help me to remember, and give me the courage to complete this inventory.”

HONEST: Is it true or is it false?
· How have I been dishonest with others and with myself?
· Have I lied, manipulated, cheated and stolen from others? List the big ones. (Nope, list them all. As directed below.*)
· Who was hurt by my dishonesty?
· How did this hurt my relationship with God, remembering that God is Truth?

 
UNSELFISHNESS: How will it affect others?
· How has self-centeredness shown itself in my life and who has been hurt by it?
· Are there people, institutions or principles that still anger me?
· If so, is there a role I played either bringing it about or holding on to my resentment?
· How have I put my own self-interest ahead of God’s plan for me to be of service to others?


PURITY: Is it right or is it wrong?
· What past or present behaviors, thoughts or feelings make me feel guilty, isolated, or ashamed?
· What are the areas of my life that I don’t want others to see?
· Remembering that my sex powers are God given and good, where has my sex life
   strayed from what I believe God’s will is for me?
· How has fear dominated my life?
· Who or what am I afraid of? Why?
· What have I done to cover my fear?
· How have I responded negatively or destructively to my fear?
· What do I most fear looking at and exposing about myself?
· What do I think will happen if I do?
· How have I cheated myself because of my fear?


LOVE: Is it ugly or is it beautiful?
· How was I self-seeking?
· What did I do in pursuit of my selfish desires?
· Did I manipulate people?
· When my ego was hurt, how did I act out in response?
· Did I slander or gossip?
· Justified or not, what harm did I cause, and what self-serving behaviors did I engage in?
· Has my life been isolated – a lonely life of “taking” rather than “giving’?
· Now, with God’s help, am I ready make “love and service” my code?



Considerations: The Big Book concludes the inventory section by saying: “If you have already made a decision, (Step 3) and an inventory of your grosser handicaps (Step 4), you have made a good beginning. That being so, you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.”


Now ask yourself the following question:
Have I knowingly omitted* writing down anything I have done or left undone that makes me feel guilty, ashamed or separated from God, from people, or from myself?


If your answer is an honest, “NO!” then get on to Step 5 as fast as you can; for, the Big Book promises: “Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.”


Dr. Bob left his blessing on the Four Absolutes to help us find our way back to God whenever we get lost. He also left a warning to his fellow co-founder: “Bill, let’s not louse this thing up. Let’s keep it simple.” (DR. BOB and the Good Oldtimers, p. 343).

Stepping into the Unknown: Trust vs. Doubt

“When you have come to the edge of all you know and are about to step out into faith one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” Patrick Overton

THE UNIVERSE (GOD) operates on FAITH, not fear. TRUSTING means stepping into the unknown despite the discomfort. It is choosing possibility over certainty. DOUBT thrives in certainty, in staying where we have always been. But TRUST requires us to embrace the unknown as a place of INFINITE POTENTIAL. The greatest obstacle to TRUST is DOUBT and DOUBT is INSIDIOUS. It shows up as FEAR, HESITATION or SECOND-GUESSING our every move. It’s the voice that says, “What if this doesn’t work?” or What if I fail again?” That voice isn’t truth; for every time we choose TRUST over DOUBT we strengthen our ability to create, teaching our mind and body to align with our SPIRITUAL VISION rather than our limiting beliefs and fears. (Definition of INSIDIOUS: having a gradual and cumulative effect: subtle, developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent, awaiting a chance to entrap, treacherous, harmful but enticing, seductive. Insidious is the birthplace of Morbid Reflection, the Demiurge, our Hungry Ghost.)

Let Go and Let God

                                                         Part 4

                                         

“Someday surely we will see the principle underlying existence as so simple, so beautiful, so compelling that we will all say to each other, ‘How could we all have been so stupid for so long.” John Wheeler, Princeton University professor of physics from1938 to 1976. He worked on the Manhattan Project and was instrumental in designing the Hydrogen bomb.

                                                      TRUST

“The universe has a divine plan for each of us, and it is unfolding in its own perfect time.” Caroline Myss

THE UNIVERSE (GOD) demands only one thing from you to give you everything you desire: TRUST. Yet this seemingly simple requirement is where most people falter.  Without realizing it, they hold on to doubt, control and fear. Building invisible walls that keep their deepest desires at arm’s length.                                                                         

THE IRONY: These barriers aren’t imposed by THE UNIVERSE (GOD) but by the refusal to surrender fully to its flow (“Half measures availed us nothing.” BB pg.59” “…it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery… BB pg. 133). Trusting the unseen forces of creation is an act of courage (“All men of faith have courage. They trust their God.” BB pg.68). It requires stepping into the unknown, a place where logic and certainty dissolve and INTUITION takes over (“We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.” BB pg. 84). Most people avoid this step clinging instead to the comfort of the familiar, even if it means settling for a life far below their potential. (“I may be in shit, but it is my shit and it is warm and familiar.” Heard by compiler in an AA meeting. “If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.” BB pg. 76)

But those who dare (i.e.to be sufficiently courageous) to TRUST will find that the universe (God) responds in ways more extraordinary than they ever imagined. This is NOT a vague promise but a UNIVERSAL LAW waiting for you to activate it.

(Critical to move forward: What “Universal Law” is referenced here? Principally manifesting: that which we dwell/focus on we bring into our lives i.e. Reaping and Sowing. This foundational principle or teaching is found across the spectrum of Religions and Spiritual Paths spanning our recorded history. Hermeticism addresses this as: The Principle of Mentalism which emphasizes the power of the mind in shaping reality. It states that our thoughts and beliefs create our experiences and shape our lives. By understanding and utilizing the power of the mind, we can consciously create the reality we desire, additionally it highlights the interconnectedness of all things. It states we are all part of the Universal Cosmic Mind (God), and our individual consciousness is an extension, part and parcel, of all Creation.

BB Promises i.e. manifesting: “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize (manifest) if we work for them.” BB. Pg. 84.)

                    SO, WHICH WAY WILL YOU LEAP?:

(… “crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade; we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” BB pg. 53)

                              OK, ARE YOU READY TO UNRAVEL? THEN:

Let’s unravel HOW THIS WORKS and what it means for your life: True TRUST begins in the present moment. Without PRESENCE, TRUST is hollow, a word, not an EXPERIENCE.

(Presence: to become manifest, constituting the one actually involved: at hand.)

The POWER OF CREATION lies in the now, yet so many people live (engaging in MORBID REFLECTION) in their past (reliving memories of shame, regret, etc.) or future (projecting anxiety/fear, while dwelling in catastrophic thinking). They replay old memories rehashing emotions tied to (negative) experiences long gone or they project themselves into an IMAGINED future full of (negative) “What-ifs.” This mental time travel robs them of the one place where life actually unfolds: THE PRESENT.

PRESENCE is more than just being physically here. It’s a state of FULL AWARENESS, where your mind, body and emotions converge in the moment. When you are TRULY PRESENT your energy is undivided and your focus sharpens. THIS is where TRUST begins to grow, not from forcing outcomes but from aligning yourself with the flow of life. By practicing PRESENCE you learn to silence the inner noise, transcend old patterns and create space for something new to emerge (“As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.” BB pg.63).

THE PATH to PRESENCE is not always easy (Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. BB pg. 14). Old habits, distractions and external demands constantly pull you away. But every time you redirect your attention to the NOW you reclaim a piece of your power. Over time this becomes a habit, a skill that allows you to access the FULL ENERGY OF CREATION, and with this energy, you can finally start designing the life you truly desire.

                OK, READY FOR THE GREATEST OBSTACLE?

The greatest obstacle to TRUST is DOUBT and DOUBT is INSIDIOUS. It shows up as FEAR, HESITATION or SECOND-GUESSING your every move. It’s the voice that says, “What if this doesn’t work?” or What if I fail again?” That voice isn’t truth; it’s a SURVIVAL MECHANISM designed to keep you stuck in what’s familiar.

(Doubt: is the voice of ego, vanity and morbid reflection, our indwelling “Hungry Ghost”. It is “yeah buts” and “you don’t understands”, all rationalized anger and seemingly justified resentments (for in truth NO resentment is ever justifiable), any holier than thou or “better than” attitudes as well as being the fertile breeding ground for all catastrophic ruminations. It is the town crier for the Kingdom of DIS, shouting discord, disharmony, disagreement, disappointment, disapproval, disenchantment and many more but all leading to the same destination: the counties of restlessness, discontent and irritability which make up the capital city of Dis-Ease.)

(Insidious: having a gradual and cumulative effect:subtle, developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent, awaiting a chance to entrap, treacherous, harmful but enticing, seductive. Insidious is the birthplace of the Hungry Ghost.)

(Survival Mechanism: a way of seemingly protecting oneself from being hurt. PTSD is a survival mechanism.)

THE UNIVERSE (GOD), however (in truth), operates on FAITH, not fear. TRUSTING means stepping into the unknown despite the discomfort. It is choosing possibility over certainty. DOUBT thrives in certainty, in staying where you have always been. But TRUST requires you to embrace the unknown as a place of INFINITE POTENTIAL. (“Perhaps there is a better way – we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.” BB pg. 68. “When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith.” BB pg. 51)

(Faith: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; belief and trust in and loyalty to God. “When you have come to the edge of all you know and are about to step out into faith one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – Originator Patrick Overton)

(Infinite: extending indefinitely: endless, immeasurably or inconceivably great or extensive: inexhaustible.)

(Potential: something that can develop or become actual.)

HERE’S THE SHIFT:(We Step out in Faith) Every time you choose TRUST over DOUBT you strengthen your ability to create. You teach your mind and body to align with your VISION rather than your fears (For we are: “Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity…” BB pg.62). Over time DOUBT loses its grip. The ENERGY you once wasted on “What-Ifs” becomes the fuel for transformation. TRUST isn’t just a belief: IT’S A SKILL and every act of FAITH makes you better at it.

(Skill: a learned power of doing something competently: a developed aptitude or ability.)

(“Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. BB. Pg. 16.” “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” BB pg. 60. “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. ‘How can I best serve Thee – Thy will (not mine) be done.’ These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.” BB pg.85)

(Constantly: continually occurring or recurring: regular)

                                            OUR EMOTIONAL STATE:

Your emotional state is a reflection of your level of TRUST. When you operate from a place of guilt, anger, or fear (resentment) you send a message to the Universe: “I don’t believe things will work out.” These emotions anchor you to the past and block you from stepping into a brighter future.

(“Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease.” BB pg. 64. From which births selfish motives and actions, “I have a right to be angry” justification, etc. i.e. Morbid Reflection.

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment (any resentment actually) leads only to futility and unhappiness (i.e.: “I don’t believe things will work out.”). To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience (which is based in Faith and Trust), this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. (Note: not all who trod this path drink, but they do die spiritually and emotionally, living often long lives of restlessness, irritability, hopelessness; taking up permanent residence in the Kingdom of DIS, existing in quiet desperation, doubt and deep and abiding resentment.)

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics (actually everyone) these things are poison.” BB pg. 66)

(Dubious: questionable or suspect as to true nature or quality, unsettled in opinion: doubtful.)

                                      TO TRUST THE UNIVERSE:

TO TRUST THE UNIVERSE (GOD) you must MASTER your EMOTIONS. This doesn’t mean suppressing them but learning to transform them. Begin by asking yourself: “Does this feeling align with the life I want to create?” If the answer is no, it’s time to let go. Replace those lower vibrations (Through the employment of prayer and meditation) with gratitude, love and joy, emotions that signal TRUST in your vision.

(“People are often unreasonable and self-centered (Their curriculum). Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives (Their curriculum). Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you (Their curriculum). Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous (Their curriculum). Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them (And their curriculum) anyway.” Mother Teresa)

                                                        GRATITUDE:

The act of feeling GRATITUDE before something has manifested is a GAME CHANGER. It is as if you’re telling the UNIVERSE (GOD): “I trust you so deeply that I AM already celebrating.”This emotional alignment isn’t just positive thinking; it’s a POWERFUL SIGNAL that draws your desires closer. When your heart and mind work together in HARMONY the UNIVERSE (GOD) cannot help but respond.

(Harmony: pleasing arrangement of parts: congruence, agreement, accord, internal calm: tranquility.)

One of the hardest parts of TRUSTING the UNIVERSE (GOD) is LETTING GO of control. Society teaches you to micro-manage every detail of your life. To plan endlessly and to leave nothing to chance. But the TRUTH is, the more you try to control, the more resistance you create. (“Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful…What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn’t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more.” BB pgs. 60-1.)

                                                       LETTING GO:

Control stems from FEAR, the fear that things won’t work out unless you intervene. Letting go doesn’t mean abandoning effort; it means releasing the obsessive need to dictate outcomes (Outlining). (“Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.” BB pg. 58 “Half measures availed us nothing.” BB pg.59 “We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well (surrendered). Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs.” BB pg.63)

TRUST requires SURRENDER, not inaction. Imagine holding onto a rope so tightly that your hands bleed. LETTING GO doesn’t weaken you; it frees you. By TRUSTING the process you allow the UNIVERSE (GOD) to work on your behalf often in ways you couldn’t have planned or predicted. (“If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing”. BB pg. 76) (Note: the word surrender does not appear in the text of the BB.)

(Nil: nothing, zero.)

(Absolutely: completely or totally.)

                                                    THE SURRENDER:

SURRENDER is not PASSIVITY; it is the ULTIMATE ACT OF FAITH. It’s a declaration that you believe in something GREATER THAN YOURSELF (“We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. ‘Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?’ As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.” BB pg. 47).

(Emphatic: force or intensity of expression that gives impressiveness or importance to something.)

(Assure: to make certain the coming or attainment of something: guaranteed.)

This act of release doesn’t just free you it creates space (opens our heart and mind) for the UNIVERSE (GOD) to DELIVER MIRACLES. When you TRUST, you align with DIVINE TIMING and things begin to unfold effortlessly. As your TRUST deepens the UNIVERSE (GOD) starts to communicate through SIGNS AND SYNCHRONICITES.

                                      SIGNS AND SYNCHRONICITES:

These moments aren’t random; they are confirmations that you’re on the right path. A CHANCE ENCOUNTER, A SUDDEN INSIGHT or a SEQUENCE OF EVENTS that seem too perfect to be coincidence. These are bread crumbs left by the UNIVERSE (GOD) guiding you closer to your desires. The beauty of these signs is that they energize you. Each one feels like a small MIRACLE, a reminder that the UNIVERSE (GOD) is listening. Instead of dreading your daily practices you begin to look forward to them. TRUST becomes not just A NECESSITY BUT A SOURCE OF JOY. With every synchronicity your BELIEF STRENGTHENS and the cycle of TRUST AND MANIFESTATION ACCELERATES (A promise).

When you start noticing these signs don’t dismiss them. Acknowledge them as evidence of your alignment. Let them fuel your enthusiasm and deepen your commitment to TRUSTING the process. The UNIVERSE (GOD) speaks in whispers and the more you pay attention the louder those whispers become.

                                                       TRUE TRUST:

TRUE TRUST ISN’T SOMETHING YOU DO, IT IS SOMETHING YOU BECOME. When you TRUST deeply, it transforms your identity. You no longer have to remind yourself to BELIEVE; you simply embody it. (Walking the way we talk, in truth, a day at a time.)

(Transform: to change in character or condition: convert.)

(Embody: to make concrete and perceptible.) (“What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind.” BB pg. 87)

                                              THE PROFOUND SHIFT:

This SHIFT IS PROFOUND BECAUSE IT CHANGES EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE. Your thoughts, emotions and actions ALIGN EFFORTLESSLY with your vision. Living as someone who TRUSTS means you STOP CHASING. Instead, you ATTRACT. You no longer rely on EXTERNAL CIRCUMSTANCES to validate your FAITH. Instead your INNER STATE becomes the FOUNDATION FOR EVERYTHING YOU EXPERIENCE. This is where TRUE FREEDOM lies: NOT IN CONTROLLING OUTCOMES BUT IN KNOWING THAT YOU’RE ALWAYS SUPPORTED. When TRUST becomes second nature the UNIVERSE (GOD) reveals its MAGIC in ways you could NEVER have imagined.

(Profound: having intellectual depth and insight, all encompassing: complete.)

                                                   TRUE MANIFESTING:

It is not just about manifesting your desires; it’s about becoming the person capable of receiving them. THE UNIVERSE (GOD) DOESN’T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT; IT GIVES YOU WHO YOU ARE. TRUST is the bridge between where you are now and the life you’ve always dreamed of. (Who am I? What am I? Why am I? To live in TRUST and truly manifest each of us MUST answer these questions to and for ourselves.)

                                                        THE CHOICE:

Every day you face a CHOICE: TO TRUST OR TO RESIST. The UNIVERSE (GOD) doesn’t demand perfection, endless effort or blind optimism. It SIMPLY asks for your TRUST. That TRUST unlocks the door to EVERYTHING YOU DESIRE.

(“We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.” BB pg. 88)

THE QUESTION IS: ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT (TRUST)? The moment you do you’ll realize that LIFE ISN’T SOMETHING YOU FIGHT AGAINST. IT’S SOMETHING YOU CREATE WITH EVERY THOUGHT, FEELING AND CHOICE. TRUST AND WATCH (effortless action) AS THE UNIVERSE (GOD) WORKS MIRACLES ON YOUR BEHALF.

(“The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!” BB pg. 153)

                                                       Finally:

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” Buddha Siddhartha Gautama

                                        2500 years later this:

(Resist) “…undue attachment to a particular teacher, a particular textbook, or a particular church or other organization. It is a mistaken loyalty. It is an unselfish error, but a deadly one. Any religious teacher or writer, however eminent, any church or center, however much beloved, is still but a means to an end. The end itself is spiritual growth. Recognize with gratitude all the help you receive from any source, but remember that your loyalty is due to God, through your own spiritual development. You must feel free at any time to go wherever you get the most help, irrespective of personal considerations.” Emmet Fox

(Irrespective: functioning without or having no regard for persons, conditions, circumstances, or consequences.)

             SO, WE TRUST BECAUSE WE NOW KNOW THAT:

“Infinite intelligence is at the core of your being. It will guide and direct your thoughts, your actions, and your words if you will let it (TRUST). It will bring you the perfect right answer…” Emmet Fox

AA, Addiction, authenticity, Buddha, Course in Miracles, Emmet Fox, faith, God, Lao Tzu, metaphysics, psychic pain, recovery, Serenity, spiritual basis, Spiritual Living, spirituality, surrender, trust, wisdom

Believing in God is Delusional? Let Go and Let God Part 3

BUT, WHAT ABOUT:

(After the Pink Cloud dissipates?)

“The wars which had been fought, the burnings and chicanery that religious dispute had facilitated, made me sick. I honestly doubted whether, on balance, the religions of mankind had done any good. Judging from what I had seen in Europe and since, the power of God in human affairs was negligible, the Brotherhood of Man a grim jest. If there was a Devil, he seemed the Boss Universal, and he certainly had me.” BB pg.11

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?” – Epicurus

“God is omnipotent, omniscient, and controls everything. Unless something bad happens. Then that was the Devil.” Author Unknown

“I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of.”  Clarence Darrow

Ignorant: destitute, lacking in knowledge or education.

“Isn’t killing people in the name of God a pretty good definition of insanity?” Arthur C. Clarke

“The world holds two classes of men; intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence.”  Al-Maʿarri (Blind Arab philosopher 973-1057)

So then, does that mean:

God Sounds Delusional, The Devil Sounds Logical ?

“Logic is great stuff. We liked it. We still like it. It is not by chance that we were given the power to reason, to examine the evidence of our senses, and to draw conclusions. That is one of man’s magnificent attributes. …Hence we are at pains to tell why we think our present faith is reasonable, why we think it more sane and logical to believe than not to believe…” BB pg. 53

Magnificent: impressive to the mind or spirit: sublime, impressive, exceptionally fine.              

Sublime: to elevate or exalt especially in dignity or honor,to render finer (as in purity or excellence).

Attributes: a quality, character, or characteristics ascribed to someone or something.

At Pains: to try hard to do something. (“Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs.”) Malcolm Forbes

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” Albert Einstein

Intuitive: the power or faculty of attaining direct knowledge or cognition without evident rational thought and inference. “We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.” BB pg. 84

“We feel and know that we are eternal.” “The more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions, the more you become a lover of what is.” Baruch Spinoza

 The Brain:

Left side: Logical, Rational           Right side: Intuitive, Holistic

I will believe it when I see it.          I will see it when I believe it.

We are a drop in the ocean.           We are the entire ocean in a drop.

He said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. John 21:6 English Standard Bible

Our Personal Devil’s Advocate is the “Ghost” voice within propagating our “Yeah buts”, “You don’t understand…”, and all “What aboutism” which is at the heart of all our self-serving arguments/justifications for any negative/problematic behavior, thinking or action.  Many of which first came to light in our 4th & 5th Steps and without vigilance (Steps 10&11) will bedevil us in recovery, making hard going of life, and often paving the way of relapse.

The question of Manifestation for the alcoholic/addict is simply: why do those who become “awake” (worked the Steps) relapse? Choosing bondage of self over freedom in Spirit.

So: What is real? What/Who do we trust? Believe in?

“Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real.” Niels Bohr, winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize in Physics.

An atom is approximately 99.9999999999996% “empty” space, yet atoms make up everything we touch, see and feel. The entire corporeal world we “inhabit”. Yet our world isn’t “mostly empty space”. It is “mostly” electron clouds, vibrating with energy, bound together by the quantum rules that govern the entire Universe.

“Not only is the Universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think.” Werner Heisenberg winner of the 1932 Nobel Prize in Physics for the creation of quantum mechanics.

 SO:

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Max Planck

“All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force which brings the particle of an atom to vibration and holds this most minute solar system of the atom together. We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent mind. This mind is the matrix of all matter.” Max Planck Nobel Prize winner in 1918 for his work on Quantum Theory.

“When I went to the moon I was a pragmatic test pilot. But when I saw the planet Earth floating in the vastness of space the presence of divinity became almost palpable and I knew that life in the universe was not just an accident.” ~ Edgar Mitchell Lunar Module pilot Apollo 14. Spent 9 hours walking on the moon.

The “vastness” of space: Consider- if you take the average diameters of all the planets and add them up, you get approximately 247,306 miles. At apogee, which is when the Moon is farthest from the Earth, the distance between the two objects is about 252,300 miles so….

Additionally, for perspective, at best case alignment, traveling at 50,000 miles per hour it would take over 6 years to travel to Neptune. At this same speed it would take over 59,000 years to travel the 4.4 light years to Proxima Centauri (our closest neighboring star).

Which Brings Us Too: 

The Why Of Relapse, What Do WE Really Believe

“When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?

Arrived at this point, we were squarely confronted with the question of faith. We couldn’t duck the issue. Some of us had already walked far over the Bridge of Reason toward the desired shore of faith. The outlines and the promise of the New Land had brought luster to tired eyes and fresh courage to flagging spirits. Friendly hands had stretched out in welcome. We were grateful that Reason had brought us so far. But somehow, we couldn’t quite step ashore. Perhaps we had been leaning too heavily on Reason that last mile and we did not like to lose our support.” BB pg. 53

Reason: the power of comprehending, inferring, or thinking especially in orderly rational ways.

“The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God’s universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.” BB pg. 25

“Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all – everyone? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.

When ready, we say something like this: “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me (the corrosive influence of) every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.” BB pg. 76

The next paragraph puts the “God delusion” in its proper place, for us:

“We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do.” BB pg. 68

“…asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.” BB pg. 83

“Who are you to say there is no God?”

This man recounts that he tumbled out of bed to his knees. In a few seconds he was overwhelmed by a conviction of the Presence of God. It poured over and through him with the certainty and majesty of a great tide at flood. The barriers he had built through the years were swept away. He stood in the Presence of Infinite Power and Love. He had stepped from bridge to shore. For the first time, he lived in conscious companionship with his Creator.” BB pg. 56

“They had seen miracles, and one was to come to them. They had visioned the Great Reality – their loving and All-Powerful Creator.” BB pg. 161

“A great revulsion has risen up in him. Seemingly he could not drink even if he would. God had restored his sanity. What is this but a miracle of healing?” BB pg. 57

SO:

“To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”  Thomas Aquinas

Faith: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; belief and trust in and loyalty to God.

We will believe it when we see it.  Explanations, physical evidence required. Faith lacking or absent altogether.

We will see it when we believe it. No explanation or physical evidence required. Faith in demonstration.

When we have reached the end of our knowledge, with only darkness, fear and uncertainty stretching out before us, we step out in Faith, and either God’s promised solidity will greet our feet or we will be taught to fly.

Miracles

Miracle: an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs.

Manifesting: to make evident or certain by showing or displaying.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

“The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!” BB pg. 153

“We are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health restorative. We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health.” BB pg. 133

“We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.” BB pg. 133

“God is not He who is, but That which is.” Baruch Spinoza

Posted by Vincent Lee Jones

Let Go and Let God Part 2

When we are in the grip of addiction, we are both the abused and the abuser for… “we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on (in) self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.” BB pg.62

Invariably: on every occasion: always.

“The devil’s voice (the negative sense of self: ego) is logical, even plausible, but it’s still deception, God’s voice may seem delusional, but it speaks the truth beyond logic.” C.S. Lewis

Delusional: a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary.

Psychotic: having trouble telling the difference between what’s real and what’s not: exhibiting mental or emotional unsoundness or instability. “…there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.” BB pg. 37

Indisputable: unquestionable: beyond questioning.

“We can either be a hostage to our ego, or a host to God. The choice is always ours. Choose wisely.” Wayne Dyer

“Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all.” BB pg. 14

“We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.” BB pg. 30

Concede: to acknowledge grudgingly or hesitantly, to accept as true, valid, or accurate.

Delusion:something that is falsely believed or propagated.

“What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?” BB pg. 61

“Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.” BB pg. 62

Root: an underlying support : basis : the essential core : the heart.

Basis: something considered as its foundation, the principal component of something.

Self-delusion: the act of deluding oneself or the state of being deluded especially concerning one’s true nature, abilities, feelings, etc.                                                                                                                 Deluding: to mislead the mind or judgment of : deceive, trick oneself.

The next two paragraphs define the ALCOHOLIC DELUSION:

“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

Obsession: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often-unreasonable idea or feeling.

Abnormal: deviating from the normal or average, unusual in an unwelcome or problematic way.

Persistence: continuing to exist despite interference or treatment.

Illusion: something that deceives or misleads intellectually, perception of something objectively existing in such a way as to cause misinterpretation of its actual nature. “We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago …” BB pg. 24

Astonishing: causing a feeling of great surprise or wonder.

“…in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count.” BB pg. 23

Baffled: extremely confused or puzzled.

“We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.” BB pg. 30

Once again, Delusion:something that is falsely believed or propagated.

                                      SO:

“Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.” BB pg. 98.

Regardless: despite everything or anyone.

“We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His (God’s) omnipotence.” BB pg. 133

Omnipotence: an agency or force of unlimited power.                                                           

Unlimited: Boundless, Infinite, Unrestricted.

Let Go and Let God Part 1

                                                         

A maid said to her mistress: “I notice that when you sit, you sit tight. You are all screwed up and tight on the inside. Now look at me. When I work, I work hard; but when I sit, I sit loose.” There was a real philosophy of life in that statement. When you work, work hard; but when you stop working, then stop working—relax. You cannot repeat to yourself too frequently the always healing statement: “Let go; let God.” Let go your inward fears and worries, and let God absorb them in grace and love. Let God replace the false energy of fear and worry with the true energy of faith working through love. My Lord God, I’ve burned up my soul and body and mind in the false energy of fear and worry. Such tension has taken me nowhere, except deeper into the mire. Help me this day to link all my energies to the calm of your purposes and to the peace of your power. Then I shall know harmony and accomplishment. Amen. E. Stanley Jones. Abundant Living.

The truth and practice of the concept of “Letting Go and Letting God” begins with the 3rd Step. This is the crux for the successful integration into truly embracing a new way of living, “For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves.” BB pg. 68

CRUX: a main or central feature.

TRUST: assured (characterized by certainty or security : guaranteed) reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

“Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we (I) decided to turn our (my) will and our (my) life over to God as we (I) understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?” BB pg.60

Convinced: is to bring (as by argument) to belief, consent, or a course of action: to Persuade. Persuade: to move by argument or expostulation(to reason earnestly) to a belief, position, or course of action (i.e. Program of Recovery/12 Steps).

“This is the how and why of it. First of all, we (I) had to quit playing God. It didn’t (doesn’t) work. Next, we (I) decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our (my) Director. He (God) is the Principal; we are His agents. He (God) is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we (I) passed to freedom.” BB pg.62

Decided:Unquestionable, Indisputable. Free from doubt or wavering, not questionable.

Principal: influential, most important, consequential: with respect to power to produce an effect.

Concept: organized around a main idea or theme.

Keystone: something on which associated things depend for support.

“When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He (God) provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him (God) and performed His (God’s) work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His (God’s) presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.” BB pg. 63

Sincerely: with truth, genuineness, or straightforwardness.

Remarkable: worthy of being or likely to be noticed especially as being uncommon or extraordinary (exceptional to a very marked extent).

Conscious: personally felt.

Presence: something (such as a spirit) felt or believed to be present.

Reborn: regenerated (formed or created again),revived (restored to consciousness or life).

“We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: “God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!” We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.” BB pg. 63.

Maker: a creator.

Bondage: servitude (lacking liberty to determine one’s course of action or way of life) or subjugation (to make submissive) to a controlling person or force.

Abandon: to give oneself over unrestrainedly.

Utterly: to an absolute or extreme degree-to the full extent.

Autism, Addiction and Me

 

I was born in 1955. Way back then there were basically 3 types of “kids”: just the regular let’s play hide-an-seek, build a fort, throw rocks, ride bikes, ring doorbells and run, make random calls and ask if “Ben Dover” was home (caller ID ruined that), get muddy, mercurochromed bloody knees and elbows, be home by dinner time kind. Then there were the “weird” kids. Now, this class broke down into the “weird” in an eccentric kinda way which made you kinda cool and then there were the “stay away from little Johnny” kinda weird which wasn’t so good, and everybody had at least one friend who fit the former and knew one of the latter. Today the latter generally hold elective office or work at the DMV.

Finally, there were the “special” kids (special being the term used in polite company). Now, I know a lot about this class, for you see, I’m a member. As a child I struggled to “fit in,” be “just one of the kids” and I lived in terror (strong word but completely accurate) of the “short bus” which transported them to school and home again. My generation pretty much walked to and from school. The only time a parent picked up their child was if they were injured beyond the school nurse’s ability to patch them up or they were sick, projectile vomiting kinda sick or did something REALLY BAD, like invade Poland. So, every day when the short bus would pass me, twice, I would freeze up inside, deathly afraid of being found out. I was seven when I first began considering suicide.

I was adopted at six weeks of age and unbeknownst to my new parents, I was “special” as well as being a sickly child; my heart stopping more than once before I was 9. As a result, my father felt cheated out of the son he envisioned having, and though I supposed he tried, it was abundantly clear he would have traded me in for a different model if given the chance. Mom was Mom. I could have been on death row, guilty as sin, and she would have been there patting me on the arm saying, “its OK honey, the Governor will call since I know in my heart you are a good boy.” But I couldn’t talk her or anyone about what I was feeling and experiencing, hell, I couldn’t even put it into words for myself.

I didn’t know why I was different, but it was clear I was. I would watch the interactions of my playmates, confounded as to the ways they related and responded to each other, and they did it so effortlessly. I’d hang in the background, try to be a part of without really being noticed, especially for the wrong reasons. And I watched a lot of TV looking for clues.

I had a hard time making and keeping eye contact and would often look off to the side when talking to someone. I would say “inappropriate” things (not like bad language or such, well, OK, sometimes, my mind just makes connections which make perfect sense to me, others, not so much) and had no clue as to why they were inappropriate. I would get that hated scrunched up nose narrowed eyed “say what” look and know I had somehow messed up.

In the early 60’s IQ tests were the rage. When the sealed envelopes with the results were handed out in my class, everyone got a white envelope, well almost everyone, mine was manila in color. That day’s walk home was filled with thoughts of suicide and ways to do it because I knew this was it. I left the envelope on the kitchen table (the thought never crossed my mind to disappear it) and waited in my room resigned to my fate. When Mom opened it all it said was the school wanted them to make an appointment to come in for a conference. My Dad was pissed (yep, that is the word he used) because he would have to take off work and was sure I had done something I was covering up. I maintained ignorance, thankful for the reprieve, dreading what I thought I KNEW was coming. The day came and I attended the meeting with the Vice-Principal as well. They were told I was, wait for it, ABNORMALLY intelligent. I don’t know what else was said after that, for I had shut down and blanked out. It was in the car driving home when I came back around to my father saying, “that was a huge waste of time.” I waited for “the” talk I had been dreading, but it never materialized. I went to school the next day as if nothing had happened and it was never brought up again. I really don’t know why they had my parents come in, I think they were just as perplexed at what to do with me as I was.

At a very early age I decided the best course of action was to try to “fit in,” so I dedicated myself to mimicry. I would surreptitiously watch you: your facial expressions, the tone of your voice, the words you chose, how others reacted to you and how you reciprocated. And I practiced and practiced. You know how people say they have done something a “thousand” times? From that point (around 7) through High School I spent thousands of hours in front of the bathroom mirror rehearsing the things that came so naturally to you, until it became second nature. I taught myself to “fit in,” to act as if, even though I didn’t understand the underlying why’s.

And life went on. I looked at what generally qualified as “normal” (not surprisingly a lot of that came from TV) and started checking off the boxes. In time my fear of being “found out” diminished, but I was still a little “weird” which was kinda OK in High School. I played sports, got a girlfriend (relationships took my acting to a whole new level, and I still sucked at them), had a small circle of friends and was bored out of my mind. I drove my teachers to distraction by rarely turning in homework but acing tests. My poor mother on numerous occasions had to fight with instructors to pass me. I wouldn’t have graduated High School if not for her. She was 5’1 & ¾” as she would often proudly state and maybe 110 pounds soaking wet. One her favorite momisims was “dynamite and poison come in small packages,” she was a force to be reckoned with.

What really made High School tolerable though were the drugs and alcohol. See, if you were loaded or drunk you were expected to say and do inappropriate things. It would be forgiven with the blanket, “oh, he is just f#%ked up.” Talk about a get out of jail free card. As you can well imagine, drugs and alcohol became constant companions and close personal friends. Time passed and I kept checking off boxes: I got married (poor girl), bought a house, became a father and had the beginnings of a career in business management, because that is what “normal” life looked like, right? Things were good, at least I thought so, right up until they weren’t. My reliance on intoxicants turned on me and I ended up out of control, alone, broke, in dire straits physically and mentally. Then at 30 years of age I sought help and have been free of active addiction since 1985.

When I first I entered the community of recovery I was amazed. They talked about secrets and being “the actor,” of hidden feelings and motivations, lies and destructive behaviors. I felt like I was home at last and I let my guard down a little. Though I am still a part of this community, this feeling lasted only a couple of years until I had to face the truth, though I had much in common, I was still “special” and proceeded to work to “fit in” once again.

You see, I’m Autistic and all that implies. Hyper focus, given to routine, poor socialization skills, difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships, the whole eye contact thing (I have been practicing that for over 55 years and I still get it wrong) and so on. I am “high functioning” with (if you believe the tests) a high IQ. Sounds good, but to me it’s like being the car in the junkyard with the best paint job and good tires. I know, I know, just stop it. You must admit though it is a pretty good line. Shhh…just between you and me, the whole IQ testing thing, today I am pretty sure all it really denotes is someone who takes IQ tests well. Just sayin.

There used to be a thing called Asperger Syndrome, which pretty much described me. It is not a thing anymore though, which kinda sucks cause Asperger sounds like you’re having a burger made from snake and only real men eat snake burgers, I could see John Wayne or Errol Flynn eating a snake burger and liking it (remember, born in 55).

It wasn’t until President Kennedy came to office that the approach to mental health and how we address and work with children who are “special” began to change. In the ensuing decades a new world of resources and understanding has emerged, and had I been born a decade or so later, my life probably would have had a very different trajectory.

There are myriad of ways we can be defined, if we allow it. I am not DISabled; I am just other abled. I see the world through a prism of colors, sounds and textures different than you, not a good thing or a bad thing, it just is what it is. On the upside, having studied people’s expressions (micro and macro), vocal inflections, body language, etc. since I was a small child, I have an uncanny ability for “reading” people and predicting behavior, especially those who suffer from addiction.

Today, maybe it has to do with getting older, but I don’t care anymore about “fitting in,” I want to spend the rest of my days free of the fear-based restrictions I placed on myself and be honest. I met a young man recently who was Autistic, I asked him how he was coping with life and fitting in. You know what he said? “Screw’em.  If they don’t like me for who I am, I don’t want them in my life.” I cried.

We all have gifts and talents, are part of the grand fabric of life, the tapestry of colors truly a wonder. All here to teach and be taught, no one without or lacking value. Today I see the world through a new pair of glasses and though the music in my mind is somewhat different from yours, it is all part of the great symphony, every note of value, even those off key for they provide the impetus for change and growth. The key is, and always has been, love, and from love acceptance and respect.

So, if we ever meet in the “real” world, whatever that is, I may say something a little off key or be a little too blunt, but don’t take it personally. Oh, and I am told I can be a little intense so there is that. It is just me, being me, no longer in hiding, and chances are excellent I will probably say something that will make you laugh and though I don’t own a 1949 Buick Roadmaster convertible I am an excellent driver.

When You Change The Way You Look At Things….

Freedom from addiction is not, and has never been one size fits all. Today more resources and paths of treatment and recovery are available than ever before yet decades of bitter experience has clearly demonstrated though that whether it is classic 12 Step recovery, CBT, DBT, EMDR, Smart Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, etc. without engagement in a community of individuals intimately familiar with the curious nature of addiction thinking, having personal experience with life’s inevitable difficulties, challenges, and successes free of intoxicants and addictive behavior, sustainable healthy long-term recovery, as the current death and relapse rates attest, is elusive. Miracles Of Recovery lays the foundation to bring recovery and treatment into the 21st century.

Autism, Addiction and Me

I was born in 1955. Way back then there were basically 3 types of “kids”: just the regular let’s play hide-an-seek, build a fort, throw rocks, ride bikes, ring doorbells and run, make random calls and ask if “Ben Dover” was home (caller ID ruined that), get muddy, mercurochromed bloody knees and elbows, be home by dinner time kind. Then there were the “weird” kids. Now, this class broke down into the “weird” in an eccentric kinda way which made you kinda cool and then there were the “stay away from little Johnny” kinda weird which wasn’t so good, and everybody had at least one friend who fit the former and knew one of the latter. Today the latter generally hold elective office or work at the DMV.

Finally, there were the “special” kids (special being the term used in polite company). Now, I know a lot about this class, for you see, I’m a member. As a child I struggled to “fit in,” be “just one of the kids” and I lived in terror (strong word but completely accurate) of the “short bus” which transported them to school and home again. My generation pretty much walked to and from school. The only time a parent picked up their child was if they were injured beyond the school nurse’s ability to patch them up or they were sick, projectile vomiting kinda sick or did something REALLY BAD, like invade Poland. So, every day when the short bus would pass me, twice, I would freeze up inside, deathly afraid of being found out. I was seven when I first began considering suicide.

I was adopted at six weeks of age and unbeknownst to my new parents, I was “special” as well as being a sickly child; my heart stopping more than once before I was 9. As a result, my father felt cheated out of the son he envisioned having, and though I supposed he tried, it was abundantly clear he would have traded me in for a different model if given the chance. Mom was Mom. I could have been on death row, guilty as sin, and she would have been there patting me on the arm saying, “its OK honey, the Governor will call since I know in my heart you are a good boy.” But I couldn’t talk her or anyone about what I was feeling and experiencing, hell, I couldn’t even put it into words for myself.

I didn’t know why I was different, but it was clear I was. I would watch the interactions of my playmates, confounded as to the ways they related and responded to each other, and they did it so effortlessly. I’d hang in the background, try to be a part of without really being noticed, especially for the wrong reasons. And I watched a lot of TV looking for clues.

I had a hard time making and keeping eye contact and would often look off to the side when talking to someone. I would say “inappropriate” things (not like bad language or such, well, OK, sometimes, my mind just makes connections which make perfect sense to me, others, not so much) and had no clue as to why they were inappropriate. I would get that hated scrunched up nose narrowed eyed “say what” look and know I had somehow messed up.

In the early 60’s IQ tests were the rage. When the sealed envelopes with the results were handed out in my class, everyone got a white envelope, well almost everyone, mine was manila in color. That day’s walk home was filled with thoughts of suicide and ways to do it because I knew this was it. I left the envelope on the kitchen table (the thought never crossed my mind to disappear it) and waited in my room resigned to my fate. When Mom opened it all it said was the school wanted them to make an appointment to come in for a conference. My Dad was pissed (yep, that is the word he used) because he would have to take off work and was sure I had done something I was covering up. I maintained ignorance, thankful for the reprieve, dreading what I thought I KNEW was coming. The day came and I attended the meeting with the Vice-Principal as well. They were told I was, wait for it, ABNORMALLY intelligent. I don’t know what else was said after that, for I had shut down and blanked out. It was in the car driving home when I came back around to my father saying, “that was a huge waste of time.” I waited for “the” talk I had been dreading, but it never materialized. I went to school the next day as if nothing had happened and it was never brought up again. I really don’t know why they had my parents come in, this was before GATE or programs for gifted students existed, I think they were just as perplexed at what to do with me as I was.

At a very early age I decided the best course of action was to try to “fit in,” so I dedicated myself to mimicry. I would surreptitiously watch you: your facial expressions, the tone of your voice, the words you chose, how others reacted to you and how you reciprocated. And I practiced and practiced. You know how people say they have done something a “thousand” times? From that point (around 7) through High School I spent thousands of hours in front of the bathroom mirror rehearsing the things that came so naturally to you, until it became second nature. I taught myself to “fit in,” to act as if, even though I didn’t understand the underlying why’s.

And life went on. I looked at what generally qualified as “normal” (not surprisingly a lot of that came from TV) and started checking off the boxes. In time my fear of being “found out” diminished, but I was still a little “weird” which was kinda OK in High School. I played sports, got a girlfriend (relationships took my acting to a whole new level, and I still sucked at them), had a small circle of friends and was bored out of my mind. I drove my teachers to distraction by rarely turning in homework but acing tests. My poor mother on numerous occasions had to fight with instructors to pass me. I wouldn’t have graduated High School if not for her. She was 5’1 & ¾” as she would often proudly state and maybe 110 pounds soaking wet. One her favorite momisims was “dynamite and poison come in small packages,” she was a force to be reckoned with.

What really made High School tolerable though were the drugs and alcohol. See, if you were loaded or drunk you were expected to say and do inappropriate things. It would be forgiven with the blanket, “oh, he is just f#%ked up.” Talk about a get out of jail free card. As you can well imagine, drugs and alcohol became constant companions and close personal friends. Time passed and I kept checking off boxes: I got married (poor girl), bought a house, became a father and had the beginnings of a career in business management, because that is what “normal” life looked like, right? Things were good, at least I thought so, right up until they weren’t. My reliance on intoxicants turned on me and I ended up out of control, alone, broke, in dire straits physically and mentally. Then at 30 years of age I sought help and have been free of active addiction since 1985.

When I first I entered the community of recovery I was amazed. They talked about secrets and being “the actor,” of hidden feelings and motivations, lies and destructive behaviors. I felt like I was home at last and I let my guard down a little. Though I am still a part of this community, this feeling lasted only a couple of years until I had to face the truth, though I had much in common, I was still “special” and proceeded to work to “fit in” once again.

You see, I’m Autistic and all that implies. Hyper focus, given to routine, poor socialization skills, difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships, the whole eye contact thing (I have been practicing that for over 55 years and I still get it wrong) and so on. I am “high functioning” with (if you believe the tests) a high IQ. Sounds good, but to me it’s like being the car in the junkyard with the best paint job and good tires. I know, I know, just stop it. You must admit though it is a pretty good line. Shhh…just between you and me, the whole IQ testing thing, today I am pretty sure all it really denotes is someone who takes IQ tests well. Just sayin.

There used to be a thing called Asperger Syndrome, which pretty much described me. It is not a thing anymore though, which kinda sucks cause Asperger sounds like you’re having a burger made from snake and only real men eat snake burgers, I could see John Wayne or Errol Flynn eating a snake burger and liking it (remember, born in 55).

It wasn’t until President Kennedy came to office that the approach to mental health and how we address and work with children who are “special” began to change. In the ensuing decades a new world of resources and understanding has emerged, and had I been born a decade or so later, my life probably would have had a very different trajectory.

There are myriad of ways we can be defined, if we allow it. I am not DISabled; I am just other abled. I see the world through a prism of colors, sounds and textures different than you, not a good thing or a bad thing, it just is what it is. On the upside, having studied people’s expressions (micro and macro), vocal inflections, body language, etc. since I was a small child, I have an uncanny ability for “reading” people and predicting behavior, especially those who suffer from addiction.

Today, maybe it has to do with getting older, but I don’t care anymore about “fitting in,” I want to spend the rest of my days free of the fear-based restrictions I placed on myself and be honest. I met a young man recently who was Autistic, I asked him how he was coping with life and fitting in. You know what he said? “Screw’em.  If they don’t like me for who I am, I don’t want them in my life.” I cried.

We all have gifts and talents, are part of the grand fabric of life, the tapestry of colors truly a wonder. All here to teach and be taught, no one without or lacking value. Today I see the world through a new pair of glasses and though the music in my mind is somewhat different from yours, it is all part of the great symphony, every note of value, even those off key for they provide the impetus for change and growth. The key is, and always has been, love, and from love acceptance and respect.

So, if we ever meet in the “real” world, whatever that is, I may say something a little off key or be a little too blunt, but don’t take it personally. Oh, and I am told I can be a little intense so there is that. It is just me, being me, no longer in hiding, and chances are excellent I will probably say something that will make you laugh and though I don’t own a 1949 Buick Roadmaster convertible I am an excellent driver.

Miracles Of Recovery

Miracles Of Recovery will build an all-inclusive atmosphere and platform for all who suffer from addiction as well as those who love them, addressing the stigma of SUD (substance use disorder), embracing all recovery paths, while providing real and affordable continuing engagement with treatment professionals and established recovery communities worldwide as well as creating new ones.
Miracles Of Recovery bridges generations, embracing the future while honoring the past, establishing innovative portals in recovery to engage this and future generations from mobile devices, Smart Screen TV’s, computers, and Virtual Reality as that technology evolves.
According to statistics from the National Institute on Drug Abuse: 64 Billion is spent per year for addiction health care with another 520 Billion a year lost to addiction related crime, missed work and productivity. What isn’t included in those numbers is the pain and suffering the 72,237 families across America felt in 2017 when someone they loved died of an overdose or the 10’s of thousands of other families who lost someone to other addiction related causes and illnesses.
Currently the thousands of “free” online recovery pages and sites are a smorgasbord of often nattering nonsense, memes, bickering, pop up ads, and nitpicking lacking any real depth and weight with precious little professional involvement.
The Future:
As Miracles Of Recovery grows and evolves new pathways will develop, including methods of first contact, for introducing people in recovery back into the workforce, trade school or college, working with Health Care Providers and Government to maximize resources available, providing help and resources for those who lost someone to addiction, assisting veterans, housing resources, the Judicial system and Law Enforcement to help identify those who need help from those hiding behind addiction to avoid the consequences of their criminal actions and go a long way in identifying and putting out of business the bad actors in the Addiction Treatment Industry who prey on the suffering for profit.